Cat: Would you rid us of this poop factory?
Dog: I can take care of our cat problem.
Cat: I was here first.
Dog: I have some coyote cousins I’d love you to meet.
Cat: There’s a Southeast Asian family looking for you.
Dog: You don’t love the people the way I do.
Cat: I don’t drool the way you do.
Dog: I can protect my people.
Cat: I can protect myself, as for everyone else, well, Darwin said it all.
Dog: Why do they keep you?
Cat: They don’t, I keep them.
Dog: You’re an arrogant, uncaring, jerk.
Cat: Your point?
Dog: Why do you exist?
Cat: I’m God’s gift to the humans. In Egypt they worshiped us.
Dog: Apparently God has a grudge against humans.
Cat: Oh, a joke, the dog made a joke. Good for you. What else did you learn at the shelter?
Dog: At least I didn’t come begging at the door.
Cat: I wasn’t begging. I was cute.
Dog: Maybe you were cute. I didn’t know you before you got so fat.
Cat: If the humans all die, I’ll live longer. Survival of the fittest, remember.
Dog: It’s survival of the fittest, not fattest. If the humans go, you’re breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Cat: And you think you can take me? You yelp at the smallest scratch.
Dog: You always attack when I’m not looking.
Cat: Remember that. You’ll never see me coming until it’s too late.
Dog: Speaking of late, isn’t it time for dinner?
Cat: At least five minutes ago.
Dog: Condition Red?
Cat: Exactly, you go look at them with sad eyes and I’ll meow at them from the kitchen.